exhaustion is setting in

My self and I have realized that far to often we bite off more than we can chew. For a perfect example of this senerio we will look to what we are curently chewing on: school, work, being pregnant and a master's thesis that we have no clue as to what we're truly doing with. Sometimes we wonder if we're strong enough to make it through this battle without giving into the want to just stay in bed and say screw the world. My problem is that my self often comes and crawls into bed with me in the wee hours of the morning. She reminds me that we have dug this hole ourselves and the only ones who can get us out of it is us. (I hate this view, where is Publisher's Clearing House when you need it?) We are poor, overworked, underpaid and we miss the freedom's that came when responsiblilty meant only having to look after us. I get so overwhelmed in moments and it is my self who brings me back down to earth and reminds me that we can't control anything and to just let it all go and take a deep breath. What will come will come and we'll deal with it when it gets here. I just hope that my self realizes that saying and doing are two different things. Not only that, but I just don't think I'm a fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl if you know what I mean...

realizations

We have realized that we are as bad at keeping a blog as we are about phoning our friends. The truth is that we get so caught up and busy with life that we forget about some of the things that make us happy. Yes, blogging makes us happy, as it is the one place where we can just put it all out there with no care in the world as to what anyone thinks about what we do or what we go through. Life has been very busy for us as our wee one continues to grow and takes up more and more room in this body we all call home. My self and I fought for a long time over the best ways to handle wee one and honestly going back to school was hard for us all. The memories that echo through the walls here are hard to face, but in a way they help us to heal. We still don't understand how someone could walk away from a child, but I think that we have agreed that the best thing to do is to let it all go. He has made his choice and in the end it is his loss. In the begining we werre bitter and a bit hostile to be honest, but we were hurt and rightfully so. Now, all we care about is what is best for our wee one. Hostility and hatefullness towards baby's sperm donor (yes I know it's not a nice term, but what else should one call it?) isn't going to help either baby or us. In the end we have (at least for the moment) reached a point of peace... well maybe not total peace, but we have come to terms with the choices we have made and the results of those choices. Now all we have to do is figure out how we're going to go to school, go to work and raise the most beautiul thing that ever happened to us... The hardest part is figuring out how we're going to do it alone.

In the middle of a mess

OK so here's the scoop... We live with our roommate (and also long, ago ex-boyfriend). He's having issues, like throwing temper tantrums (like the utensils that got flung around the kitchen about a week ago. This has never happened before and there were no knives of any sort involved) We understand that he is having a rough moment (grandpa just passed away, got fired, got new job isn't getting paid though). We underrstand rough moments...My Self says she thinks we have an award somewhere for the number of rough moments we've lasted through. We don't understand not wanting to do something about getting out of the emotional quicksand that one is in. It's hard to stand back and have to watch a friend struggle so hard to survive, to decide... to decide where one wants to go and how they want to get there. My self says that we may be crazy, but at least we have each other to depend on for that balance and that push. Having to survive things on our own in many moments has made us incredibly strong, but we wonder sometimes if we know how to give up that strength and allow for a natural weakness. So, we sit and we watch and in the end we learn a bit more about ourself...and we can't see the floor through the mess...

Torture

As this week comes to a close my self and I are getting ready for school again...and all the ghosts that echo within its walls. My self says not to worry, it will be ok. I say that the ghosts that walk within the walls may be a little overwhelming... Knowing what we found... Knowing how happy we once were... I miss being happy and I fear the ghosts in the walls will only torture our soul...more than it already is...

wondering

My self and I have had a wake up call of sorts... well, we got to actually see the wee one that shares this home we call a body. Though we still fight about the decision to walk away... I think we always will. (though I'm not convinced the decision was entierly ours) The truth is we found out that I was wrong and my self was right, it's a boy not a girl... This is ok (as it isn't like we can trade it in for a new one) Once again my self proves that listening to her is not always a bad thing. I still struggle with a lot of issues of what if's, though my self and my friends tell me to let it go... what will come will come (rather hard when you are used to being in control of the happenings in your life). I think the part that hurts the worst for me is believing that the reason he wants nothing to do with this child is because it's a part of me... I realize I have issues, but I'm not a bad person (per say) though I do make my fare share of wrong choices... I guess all and all this whole thing just makes us stronger... all of us... I just can't help but wonder if...

To tired to fight

My self and I have found that we agree on more than one thing, but today's lesson is this... Silence portrays a brick wall and brick walls are one thing we definitley get tired of talking to. We have given up trying to talk to our brick wall. We have decided to accept what is offered (or not offered as the case may be) to us and move on. My self says that we owe our wee little soul more, but I say we can't force someone else's hand. It's not like our little soul will be without love or will be untaken care of. There's a saying that any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a daddy...sometimes people can't be a daddy to more than one child, no matter how many they make. My self isn't sure giving up is the answer, but at this point I am to tired to fight...

Discoveries

There are many things that my self and I have dicovered over the last month. (one of which is that it is impossible to blog without access to the internet) The most important is that we agree that it takes why to much energy to hate anyone. Another is that when faced with the emotional rollercoaster that my life turned into we come together in a way I never thought was possible (it's almost like we melded together) The last is probably the most complicated... (ok so this isn't one big discovery, a lot of little ones and a whole bunch of questions) Life is not supposed to be easy, nor are we to understand what the people around us do or why exactly they do it. Take for example... If you love someone and you don't want to hurt them (mind you this is after you've fucked up) Wouldn't the best thing be to tell them the truth? As much as it's going to hurt at first wouldn't you think that part of forgivness would be knowing that your lover (or mate) at least had enough respect for you to be honest with you when they got caught? (personally both my self and I agree that the truth finds it's way out, even if it isn't for years) My self and I agree that it would be a lot easier to forgive someone their indiscrepencies (if that's spelled right it will be a miracle) if the whole story spilled out and not a bunch of lies. I couldn't imagine dating or being married to someone who had an affair and then lied to me saying that they couldn't remember if anything had happened and that it was only one time. Only to discover the truth months or even years later that it lasted for months...I can forgive somethings... others not so much. Don't get me wrong, I might not stay with said person after an affair and the truth, but there is no way in hell that I would even consider staying muchless forgiving after I was disrespected even further with lies. My self has brought up a point that one might be flattered that someone would want to protect my feelings... I say if they didn't want to hurt me they never should have done it in the first place. Another thing... We have discovered that there is an end to everything, including the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with sharing our body with yet another soul. (even if it is only a wee little soul) At first we thought the tidal wave of emotions was going to eradicate both of us. Then (after we stabalized) we realized that in the end we have the most beautiful part of him and that it really doesn't matter if he wants anything to do with the baby or not. We will be just fine and someday when the baby's old enough to understand it will all be explained... and then he can explain to our child why lying was more important then loving his child. (my self says to add that while we move forward sometimes remembering can make us bitter, but we're working on that)