A Turtle without a Shell

exhaustion is setting in

2006-11-27T13:18:00.000-08:00

My self and I have realized that far to often we bite off more than we can chew. For a perfect example of this senerio we will look to what we are curently chewing on: school, work, being pregnant and a master's thesis that we have no clue as to what we're truly doing with. Sometimes we wonder if we're strong enough to make it through this battle without giving into the want to just stay in bed and say screw the world. My problem is that my self often comes and crawls into bed with me in the wee hours of the morning. She reminds me that we have dug this hole ourselves and the only ones who can get us out of it is us. (I hate this view, where is Publisher's Clearing House when you need it?) We are poor, overworked, underpaid and we miss the freedom's that came when responsiblilty meant only having to look after us. I get so overwhelmed in moments and it is my self who brings me back down to earth and reminds me that we can't control anything and to just let it all go and take a deep breath. What will come will come and we'll deal with it when it gets here. I just hope that my self realizes that saying and doing are two different things. Not only that, but I just don't think I'm a fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl if you know what I mean...

realizations

2006-11-06T12:44:00.000-08:00

We have realized that we are as bad at keeping a blog as we are about phoning our friends. The truth is that we get so caught up and busy with life that we forget about some of the things that make us happy. Yes, blogging makes us happy, as it is the one place where we can just put it all out there with no care in the world as to what anyone thinks about what we do or what we go through. Life has been very busy for us as our wee one continues to grow and takes up more and more room in this body we all call home. My self and I fought for a long time over the best ways to handle wee one and honestly going back to school was hard for us all. The memories that echo through the walls here are hard to face, but in a way they help us to heal. We still don't understand how someone could walk away from a child, but I think that we have agreed that the best thing to do is to let it all go. He has made his choice and in the end it is his loss. In the begining we werre bitter and a bit hostile to be honest, but we were hurt and rightfully so. Now, all we care about is what is best for our wee one. Hostility and hatefullness towards baby's sperm donor (yes I know it's not a nice term, but what else should one call it?) isn't going to help either baby or us. In the end we have (at least for the moment) reached a point of peace... well maybe not total peace, but we have come to terms with the choices we have made and the results of those choices. Now all we have to do is figure out how we're going to go to school, go to work and raise the most beautiul thing that ever happened to us... The hardest part is figuring out how we're going to do it alone.

In the middle of a mess

2006-09-13T09:03:00.000-07:00

OK so here's the scoop... We live with our roommate (and also long, ago ex-boyfriend). He's having issues, like throwing temper tantrums (like the utensils that got flung around the kitchen about a week ago. This has never happened before and there were no knives of any sort involved) We understand that he is having a rough moment (grandpa just passed away, got fired, got new job isn't getting paid though). We underrstand rough moments...My Self says she thinks we have an award somewhere for the number of rough moments we've lasted through. We don't understand not wanting to do something about getting out of the emotional quicksand that one is in. It's hard to stand back and have to watch a friend struggle so hard to survive, to decide... to decide where one wants to go and how they want to get there. My self says that we may be crazy, but at least we have each other to depend on for that balance and that push. Having to survive things on our own in many moments has made us incredibly strong, but we wonder sometimes if we know how to give up that strength and allow for a natural weakness. So, we sit and we watch and in the end we learn a bit more about ourself...and we can't see the floor through the mess...

Torture

2006-08-26T12:11:00.000-07:00

As this week comes to a close my self and I are getting ready for school again...and all the ghosts that echo within its walls. My self says not to worry, it will be ok. I say that the ghosts that walk within the walls may be a little overwhelming... Knowing what we found... Knowing how happy we once were... I miss being happy and I fear the ghosts in the walls will only torture our soul...more than it already is...

wondering

2006-08-23T18:09:00.000-07:00

My self and I have had a wake up call of sorts... well, we got to actually see the wee one that shares this home we call a body. Though we still fight about the decision to walk away... I think we always will. (though I'm not convinced the decision was entierly ours) The truth is we found out that I was wrong and my self was right, it's a boy not a girl... This is ok (as it isn't like we can trade it in for a new one) Once again my self proves that listening to her is not always a bad thing. I still struggle with a lot of issues of what if's, though my self and my friends tell me to let it go... what will come will come (rather hard when you are used to being in control of the happenings in your life). I think the part that hurts the worst for me is believing that the reason he wants nothing to do with this child is because it's a part of me... I realize I have issues, but I'm not a bad person (per say) though I do make my fare share of wrong choices... I guess all and all this whole thing just makes us stronger... all of us... I just can't help but wonder if...

To tired to fight

2006-07-28T01:21:00.000-07:00

My self and I have found that we agree on more than one thing, but today's lesson is this... Silence portrays a brick wall and brick walls are one thing we definitley get tired of talking to. We have given up trying to talk to our brick wall. We have decided to accept what is offered (or not offered as the case may be) to us and move on. My self says that we owe our wee little soul more, but I say we can't force someone else's hand. It's not like our little soul will be without love or will be untaken care of. There's a saying that any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a daddy...sometimes people can't be a daddy to more than one child, no matter how many they make. My self isn't sure giving up is the answer, but at this point I am to tired to fight...

Discoveries

2006-07-21T16:16:00.000-07:00

There are many things that my self and I have dicovered over the last month. (one of which is that it is impossible to blog without access to the internet) The most important is that we agree that it takes why to much energy to hate anyone. Another is that when faced with the emotional rollercoaster that my life turned into we come together in a way I never thought was possible (it's almost like we melded together) The last is probably the most complicated... (ok so this isn't one big discovery, a lot of little ones and a whole bunch of questions) Life is not supposed to be easy, nor are we to understand what the people around us do or why exactly they do it. Take for example... If you love someone and you don't want to hurt them (mind you this is after you've fucked up) Wouldn't the best thing be to tell them the truth? As much as it's going to hurt at first wouldn't you think that part of forgivness would be knowing that your lover (or mate) at least had enough respect for you to be honest with you when they got caught? (personally both my self and I agree that the truth finds it's way out, even if it isn't for years) My self and I agree that it would be a lot easier to forgive someone their indiscrepencies (if that's spelled right it will be a miracle) if the whole story spilled out and not a bunch of lies. I couldn't imagine dating or being married to someone who had an affair and then lied to me saying that they couldn't remember if anything had happened and that it was only one time. Only to discover the truth months or even years later that it lasted for months...I can forgive somethings... others not so much. Don't get me wrong, I might not stay with said person after an affair and the truth, but there is no way in hell that I would even consider staying muchless forgiving after I was disrespected even further with lies. My self has brought up a point that one might be flattered that someone would want to protect my feelings... I say if they didn't want to hurt me they never should have done it in the first place. Another thing... We have discovered that there is an end to everything, including the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with sharing our body with yet another soul. (even if it is only a wee little soul) At first we thought the tidal wave of emotions was going to eradicate both of us. Then (after we stabalized) we realized that in the end we have the most beautiful part of him and that it really doesn't matter if he wants anything to do with the baby or not. We will be just fine and someday when the baby's old enough to understand it will all be explained... and then he can explain to our child why lying was more important then loving his child. (my self says to add that while we move forward sometimes remembering can make us bitter, but we're working on that)

a dream

2006-06-09T07:05:00.000-07:00

I am unloveable. There must be something that I do or don't do or I don't know... Why is it that I am not worthy of the love that I want? I'm trapped into a world that says I should love one person, because he is a good man and would take care of me... I don't love him, I never have. The one I love is beyond my reach(as usual it seems). I don't understand why I can't just accept what is in front of me instead of grasping for something I can't have. I don't understand how someone can tell you that they love you, tell you that if they would have known that life could offer a love like we (supposedly) share, how he can turn his back and just walk away. Like it never happened, like I never was, like the baby inside me doesn't exist... I suppose I need to let it all go, like it was a dream that I had to wake up from...

Silence

2006-06-04T07:40:00.000-07:00

There's something to be said for the sounds of silence, mostly that there is a unique comfort to be found within it. That is until is has surrounded you, enveloped you into itself so that all you hear is the echo of your own thoughts within it's void. I have given up trying to communicate with my self. She just sits and stares into the emptyness that is appearing before her. She is numb, lost, scared and overwhelmed...all at the same time. She gets to hide beneeth the sink, in its comfort and safety...in the arms of its darkness. I (on the other hand) face the Fates. True, we all control our destinies, but the Fates put in those unexpected happenings. You know, those twists that you probably should have seen coming, but didn't. (whether it was because you ignored them or you simply didn't believe they could happen) When I was a little girl, I dreamed big dreams (my over active imagination helped) and I have been lucky enough to have some of them actually come true (can you use up your dreams? Are they like wishes? Do you only get so many?). I thank my Goddess and God that I have been blessed to see and experience what I have, but a new kind of adventure awaits me now and I am scared. Have you ever been in a room surrounded by people, yet you feel all alone? (I know, it's lame but its true) That's how I feel. My self is within reach, my friends are at my fingertips yet I have no one to talk to (Not that I'm really all that sure what it is that I have to say) I don't know...

Quandries

2006-05-29T15:52:00.000-07:00

I can't seem to unwedge my self from under the sink (she's been there since we found out). There are so many complications within our life right now I can see why she wants to hide. We have dug ourselves one hell of a hole and we have nothing to do but lay in the coldness of it and go numb. What's worse is that we can't even find anyone to shovel us in (as it would be easier and perhaps a bit warmer). The truth is harder for me to face than I would like to admit because I am torn between what I believe in my heart and what I believe to be the truth. All in all once again my self and I have found something that we agree on and that is most men really suck (in one way or another)

It's been a long time

2006-05-28T10:43:00.000-07:00

The truth is school is out and with it comes the end to many things. Actually school's been out for a while and I've been wondering exactly what to do with myself. So much time... Well, my self seems to have found an answer. I will be plagued by the social events of the last semester... My heart has broken and yet a miracle has revealed itself. The truth is my self and I must make room for a third presence within this body we call home and welcome into this world in roughly seven and a half months another soul. We are excited, though the circumstances surrounding said little one are not the best... My self says to write that they are straight up shyte... This wee one is a miracle unto herself, she is not a mistake and she (don't ask why it's a she, it just is) will be loved... is loved... The truth is I blame this on my self as she believed in things that could not be and took me along for the ride (not that I minded). Now we move forward... scared, fearful and yet with love and hope in our heart... Sometimes I really wonder about us...

glub

2006-04-17T04:41:00.000-07:00

glub...glub...glub (I'm sinking to the bottom of the pool and I have neither the strength nor the energy to save myself)

Drowning

2006-04-13T20:52:00.000-07:00

I am drowning and I don't think I'll be able to find air for awhile... My self has been hounding me about getting all of my projects for school done... Tis time, Tis time and I've found that immersion into the world of words and thoughts is in order and alas, I must listen to myself.

out of sadness

2006-04-02T07:36:00.000-07:00

Out of sadness we are forced to remember the many reasons that exist to be happy.

sadness

2006-03-30T22:32:00.000-08:00

We lost something... Something that might have made us whole. At first we didn't want it, then we became accustomed to it and then we loved it... It was small and insignificant to most people who knew about it, but it was part of us and we can never get it back...

a long road

2006-03-28T09:29:00.000-08:00

My self finally stummbled in the door the other day. Apparently she had the time of her life (I'm glad she did, I was the one stuck here being responsible). She brought me a present (how sweet *sigh*) She could have called, I was worried. She's back though under her sink and as cranky as ever. I wouldn't want it any other way.

a lesson via my self

2006-03-18T17:58:00.000-08:00

I have been unlucky in my quest to find my self, I have to admit that a bout of depression has begun to cloud my heart. I hope that my self is having a good time as I seem to be the one housing all of our sadness... It is ok though, I will be ok, I will find my self eventually. The experience of being without my self has given me a new way of looking at things (something tells me this was her plan) I crashed into the realization that my self is in many ways my sanity. She keeps me stable in an otherwise incredibly unstable world. (well, my world anyways) She reminds me of the important things and which things are important, but can wait. Yes she is my three-year old in moments, but at times she is the only company I seek...

only a day

2006-03-12T21:25:00.000-08:00

my self is still gone and I am begining to feel so lost without her. I always thought that if only I could get rid of her my mind would be quiet and it is...too quiet. The worst part is she's only been gone for a day.

gone

2006-03-11T19:32:00.000-08:00

My self is gone. I can't find her anywhere. I think she took a short vacation, as a sort of peace has settled over our life. I am ok with this as I have faith she will soon return to the sink under which she resides. Besides with all we've been through I'd hate to think she would miss our new found freedom.

love defined?

2006-03-09T09:07:00.000-08:00

I don't let people in. (my self doesn't like to share) I get told all the time that I need to let people in. (Sometimes I just want to scream, 'Into Where?') Why?

I've heard that everyone needs someone they trust completeley. (That's a bit more than I seem to be able to do, trust someone completeley) Personally I find this flawed as then there is one person on this earth (other than you and yourself) who knows all of the dirt and nothing but the dirt - about you. That's like the scariest thing imaginable. (I sit in awe of the person who can do this.) Oh and the kicker of the deal is that their supposed to love you after they know everything?

And what is love anyway? It's different for everyone, everytime that they fall in love is different, everytime there's never been another love like the current or present one. So what exactly determines love? I like the idea that love is a reflection of your soul in another. I read that somewhere and I think that the idea of 'true love' is echoed in that statement. I think that recognition is when we find our 'soul' mates. If one can believe in soul mates (and no not the trumped up Disney version either)

one word

2006-03-06T14:16:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had one thing, one word that someone calls you all of a sudden make you flinch everytime you hear it? (mind you this is an involuntary reaction, of sorts)

changes

2006-03-05T10:19:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while, life places us in less than desirable situations. We either exit them gracefully or fall on our faces. As I am an expert of impossible situations, I have fallen. (my self just looks at me and rolls her eyes in the "you got us into this fashion") As today is the official first day of severed strings, it is hard. It's especially hard when severing the strings completely isn't a financial option, but nobody said this was gonna be easy... To take time and attempt to reverse it. Of course one can't actually do that, one can't change the time that has passed either. So where do I go from here...

people suck

2006-03-03T22:26:00.000-08:00

I find it funny how life changes. I find it even more amusing when people think they can tell you how you think, how you feel and what decisions are going to make you the happiest. Why do I find this humorous? Well simply due to the fact that I have enough to listen to with my self, that for anyone to even fathom that I am going to do as they say is for the birds (and honestly I don't even know if the birds would take it). Truth is that I don't view my self as unhealthy...she is a part of me that I need (whether I really want to admit it or not). What I don't need is, what seems to be a large majority of, the people who are in my world telling me what to do. That's how I feel... And as far as I know that's how my self feels to.

a thought

2006-03-02T22:10:00.000-08:00

I think my heart just broke, but it's ok my self says she has all the pieces...

away from one's self

2006-02-28T00:11:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's good to just spend the day away from one's self...It enables me to gain a fresh perspective of the issues my self and I deal with. I know we don't always see eye to eye and I know that we need to give each other space. I just wish that it was easier...for me, for her, for the people who watch us struggle to get along every day. I'm convinced that at times this body isn't big enough for the both of us (possibly why under the sink is such a good hiding spot)...

serenity in chaos

2006-02-26T09:37:00.000-08:00

It's been a long week... Work, sleep, school, the run around in between, taking care of my parents place... My self came along for the ride a lot, (I think the fresh air did her good) She sat in the passengers side, curled up knees to chin in the seat next to me. Her face glowed, as she snuggled into the warmth of the sun. NPR set a tranquil mood, drifting into our souls. Behind her eyes were thoughts of things that I need not know, we were content, we were at peace, it was good to find serenity along the course of chaos...

the little things

2006-02-21T20:56:00.000-08:00

The little things add up...all the little things that my self does (or at times, doesn't do) I complain about the idiosyncrasies that she has but the truth is she does do a lot of little things that make me happy...she tries. I don't seem to give her enough credit, especially where it is truley due. (Does this make me a bad self?) I need to start offering her praise, credit, affection for the things she does, but often that credit is swept away. (along with the rest of the day) I need to know one thing, exactly who do I contact about adding more hours to the day?

Quandries

2006-02-20T20:55:00.000-08:00

There are many things about my self that unsettle me, one of the biggest (and seemingly most anal) is that she always leaves the door to under the sink open. (have you ever crashed knee first into the corner of an open door? All I can say is ouch, pain...) This probably wouldn't be an issue if either one of two things were to happen: one, either she starts to shut the door (this is a weak option as she hasn't yet) or two, I wake myself up enough to remember that the door will be open. (I'm not sure this is plausible either as I don't get enough sleep as is, so most of my day is a daze) My other big gripe is that she can't manage to find anything she's looking for. (she looks like a two year old, skim over everything in your line of sight and call it a thorough search...then proceed to complain and accuse everyone within site of either hiding or stealing said object. Yes I realize the latter is unlike a two year old, but alas what can I do?) I mean really, how hard is it to actually move things around, in order to see what's under them, or to pick up the cusions and maybe see what's growing beneth them. I just don't get it and while we're on a roll...How hard is it to rinse a dish out? I mean it's not like she does anything all day, but sit around under the sink (must be rough) and how hard is it to put your socks in the hamper? (The socks are like..well lets just say they are everywere, whereever she takes them off at. And then, she complains when the dog chews a hole in them...) Truth be told, living with my self should come with a booklet, (an instruction manual of sorts) possible titles might include: "Everything You Think You Know About Your Self, But Don't", "The Truth to Living With Your Self" and of course "The Many Moods of Your Self, That You've Never Seen". How hard is it to write a book like that? What with all the other self help books out there, you'd think it would have been one of the first written...Really how hard is it?

Memories

2006-02-17T23:40:00.000-08:00

I came nose to nose with my self today...It wasn't good. It was like an insane staring contest (well, if you were in the room and looking at us). We didn't say a word for what seemed infinite moments. Then she rolled her eyes and with a large humph turned away. I stood staring at her back, waiting (for what I'm not sure)...It isn't easy to look yourself in the eye and silently acknowledge what is behind them. There are things there I don't want to see...things that scare me...things that I have known...the past I have tried so hard to leave behind. I realize, with open eyes, that I can not run from the things we have done or the person that we once were. Though, I cannot deny that they effect the person we have become...the parts of me that they have molded...the way they make me feel. Memories are said best left in the past; but memories, in moments, seem all we have...

loss of control?

2006-02-16T20:29:00.000-08:00

My self is a concieded, possessive wench... (yes I said that out loud) She seems to think that if she were in control of us life would be easier (and it probably would be as she would have had us bolt awhile ago). The truth is she ran our life for quite a while, and all I can say is I'm not sure that we would be here if I hadn't taken over...

I hate this day

2006-02-14T07:49:00.000-08:00

If there is one thing my self and I agree on it is that Valentine's day sucks. We have a long list of reasons and we will not fill this page with them, except to say that love bites (though my self did point out that it can bite in a good way) (which is interesting on its own implications) especially when the one you love is out of reach...

Abducted

2006-02-12T18:31:00.000-08:00

My self abducted me this weekend...(I think I'm still in shock) She bound my wrists and ankles and pitched me under the sink. I didn't know what to do (really what could I do?) ... laying there in the still, quiet, damp, darkness (did I mention she gagged me?). What to do but think...possibly this is payback and she just wanted out to play...but why under the sink? (everyone knows if all else fails and they can't find me to look under the sink) Possibly this is in response to my comments the other day about the dustbunnies (I was only joking, why does she gotta be so sensative?) Well, this lasted for longer than I would have liked, but she finally untied me...and let me out...she didn't really say anything to me...(this causes me great concern) I just walked away...what could I say? (besides, What the hell are you doing, Why are you doing this and most importantly What did I do?) Oh well, I lived and she seems happier, maybe it's a good thing...(Who am I kidding?)

another day

2006-02-10T18:25:00.000-08:00

Today was a better day...my self crawled out from under the sink when I arrived home. She had dustbunnies in her hair...I joked about the conditions under the sink. If looks could kill I would no longer exist... My self (at best) looked rugged...I asked what was up. She snarled at me (I've never had that happen before) she shot me a menacing glare and proceeded to the back bedroom and crawled under the bed...(on an upside under the bed was clean, I just vacummed) I don't know about my self sometimes...I just let her be...she'll come find me when she decided that a tantrum is what she needs...I can't wait...

headlong into the truth

2006-02-09T11:40:00.000-08:00

I'm not a fan of remembering things that I have shut down for a reason. My self deals with these issues instead. It's a kind of sharing...she remembers the events, I remember that I would rather not. I came home from class today and curled up on the couch...my self came and sat down beside me. She knew before I had even walked in the door that something had been drudged up from my memory bank... She sat wanting to take all that I was feeling away...NO ONE can take this away...and it seems one of the most bareable parts is we were among the "lucky" ones. In class tonight a young lady brought in the book Give A Boy A Gun by Tom Strasser. I sat in class trying desperatly to stop the flood of memories that crashed in upon me as she talked about a ficticious school shooting...My mom lived through a real one...Her class room was the first room he walked by...She said the first shot sounded like a desk colliding with a wall...Her team teacher knew better...he knew what the sound was...I could go on and on about what happened, but thanks to the intrusion of the media I don't have to. I sat there shaking as I remembered first hearing it on the news...the panic, the cold steel grip of fear...One teacher dead was all I knew...I sat for two hours desperatly calling...trying to find one of the most important people in my world. When she finally called me three and a half hours after I first heard the news, my heart broke as I heard her voice shake with uncontrolled fear, rage and sadness...she had been my rock for so long...she was ok...but so many weren't...I suffered with the what ifs, hoping to learn to cope with what might have been...I suffered because I was happy...happy that it wasn't her, but heartbroken at the magical lives that had closed...I sat shaking remembering the endless barage of calls...I remember everyday as she bravely faces another day...But yet I choose to bury within my self...to not remember those three hours of not knowing.

love undefined

2006-02-07T16:31:00.000-08:00

So my self and I sat under the sink today talking about everything that we've put ourself through of late. The truth is that even in our darkest moments we cling to only each other...we've never had anyone else. Our topic for today was love defined...(this was a long and trying conversation) the problem with love is that no one definition can cover everything that love encompasses. My self believes in that one great love (yeah, you know the one prince charming...that one burning love that engulfs us body and soul). I gave up on that years ago... She holds this ideal and won't let go, I figure if I can find someone who will put up with me that should be good enough (or so I thought). So I sit here, looking back at (what was actually a quite pleasent) conversation wondering if she's right, if I'm wrong or if somehow there is a middle. I understand that the burning flame of love (lust?) dies away...or does it? I look at my parents and I see that love alive within them, but they had to work for it and apparently it wasn't always there. So what am I to do? Just hold out and hope that the love I feel for one man will turn into that burning desire or do I let go completley and wander aimlessly once again in hopes of finding what in my heart of hearts I desire? I hate love...almost as much as I hate onions (I don't care if they have layers).

a hard days night

2006-02-06T20:28:00.000-08:00

So I thought life would get easier when my self and I finally did something we both agreed upon, We admitted that some of the things in our lives were not what we were portraying them to be and it was tearing us apart...(our malfunctions are innumerable). The specifics are unimportant, but the pain is unbearable...the pain that I have had to inflict on another in order to achieve a balance within myself...It is unfair...(though a great man once said that anyone who tells you that life is simple is only trying to sell you something) in a way cruel...and yet a part of me is relieved that the burrden of untruth is lifted...though I fear the burden of truth may be heavier then those around me can bare.

a hard landing

2006-02-05T12:45:00.000-08:00

I sit here with a sore bum, as I have fallen from the graces of sobriety and crashed into the arms of my vice, my addiction... mostly this is my fault. (though I do feel that fate should have to take some credit as it is a cruel and fickle thing) I am most ashamed, as my self was the one who told me not to do it...she told me that I would regret it, told me that it wouldn't last long enough and told me that it wasn't going to fix anything... (I didn't want to listen) She was right on the not fixing anything part and the not lasting long enough part. The other thing, well, I'll just say that where it may not have been the best decision I have ever made (and trust me I've made some doozies), regret will never be a part of it... it's a lover's arms, twisting around you, teasing your skin with its touch...leaving soft kisses in its wake... sneaking into your senses, heightening them, intoxicating them....making you aware of all there is that is unexplored within yourself. I guess that's why its called an addiction...

one of those lifetimes

2006-02-03T19:27:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had one of those days? I seem to have been having one of those days for a while now. My self is a major contributor to this and seems unable to relinquish the hold that she has on me...than again could I live without her? Truth be told I haven't seen her for quite some time... I assume she's under the sink, but alas I can not look. I think I need to give her space and it seems that she feels the same, as she hasn't sought out my company (though I do admit that my company is not the best right now). Possbily this is for the best...it has to beat living without her...then again maybe if I lived without my self I'd be sain....then again I know better.

Advice

2006-02-02T19:32:00.000-08:00

A friend offered the advice of counseling after the last major "battle" in my seemingly never ending battle with my self. As much as I like the idea I have a feeling that getting my self out the door would be a battle in and of itself...a big battle at that. My self is a recluse...she isn't fond of people, much less someone else to probe our brain and tell us our malfunctions...on the other hand we need help I know...A wise person offered me the advice that we are our own worst enemy's...I too find truth in this statement as I battle to slay the demons that affect me and my self...now if only I could get her to see it that way...(and to maybe even help alittle...the battle's been a bit bloody)

Scary moment

2006-01-31T18:01:00.000-08:00

I want a divorce! (is that possible?) My self and I are ripping me apart...she crawled out from under the sink and picked a fight with me...for no other reason than because it seems that was what she wanted to do. The scene wasn't pretty...I don't think the whole affair got to much above really ugly. She threw things...I ducked (warning: projectile objects will inflict damage upon contact) she stomped (the floor vibrated), she slapped me (I think my cheek is still red) and told me I sucked. Some days I really hate my self....I hid under the sink...

Divided Happiness

2006-01-30T14:41:00.000-08:00

I came home and crawled under the sink with my self today...guess I just needed some time with me...(It's a comfort that at least I know where to find my self these days) We talked...most unusual...about a lot of things including the fact that we no longer seem to achieve a state of happiness on a consistent basis together...(this concerned me to no end as it seemed we were breaking up...but we can't...impossible situations, I am the Queen of impossible conversation) I pointed out that we still have many things which make us happy together...alas though there is the lack of time...She pointed out that maybe the things that make us happy apart could feed what makes us happy together...then she kicked me out...(I hit my head on a pipe...it hurt)

nothing lasts long

2006-01-28T19:16:00.000-08:00

I'm convinced that tranquility is much to short...I've been on the computer and I feel like my self is keeping watch...(is it possible for a self to be possessive?) she's been at my heals since I've returned home...yes its possible that she wants attention, but I've given her some and I think she's being a bit demanding about it (three year old syndrome) ah what can one do?

a balanced self (well for the moment)

2006-01-28T15:11:00.000-08:00

It seems my self and I are doing better, she doesn't stomp around the house quite as much as she used to (or blow rasberries quite as much)(really I don't mind) and I try and spend a fragment of time with her each day. I haven't heard from "the voice" recently (this is ok, I'm hoping it was a freak event) but I am hoping that maybe it to (is this admitting it exsists?) has found a piece of our tranquility...no matter how brief tranquillity is

a moment of tranquility

2006-01-27T07:38:00.000-08:00

I arose from my dreams (and what dreams they were) at an ungodly hour...so I sat alone once again contemplating the events of the prior day (or lack of events as the case may be). I'm not sure that I reached any great conclusions, but my self came up, binkie in hand and crawled into my lap her head on my chest, she sighed from deep within and fell asleep...I sat looking out the window knowing...I am loved...

a different view

2006-01-26T19:45:00.000-08:00

I sat alone today contemplating the events of the last oh however long since I last wrote...It's been vicious, exillerating and exhausting but I think that I've gained some perspective on my self (or is it selves now?) Possibly each one is representative of my different needs and wants (wait I think I'm sounding sane). I attempted to share this view with my (we'll go with selves) selves in hopes they might share a little insite into my new quandrey but alas when I needed my self most I could not find her...and yes I checked under the sink...all of them.

A moments confusion...aren't they all?

2006-01-25T15:07:00.000-08:00

I think I am becoming delusional...I think my self may possess split personalities...is such a thing possible? Yesterday was a "good" day...Today has been a not so "good" day...It all began as I left out the door...apparently my self thought I had nothing to do today or something (or something, is what I'm leaning toward) I thought for sure the three year old was going to show her true colors, but alas I was met by a voice quite different from what I am used to that replied..."If any of us matters, you'd take a moments time and look what you've done to us all" I didn't know what to do...how many peices can one really split themselves into? and why would two (is there more?) possess the same self? I think I need a minute...

something to come home to

2006-01-24T15:42:00.000-08:00

I entered my domain today to find myself waiting...well actually she was bouncing on the couch with this insane smile on her face. (I was a bit scared) I couldn't figure out on my own what the extreme happiness was about...so I asked. I found out that I was just happy to see me...this was quite comforting. It has been to long since I have felt no hostility twords my self. I have found though that by allowing me to see my friends and enjoy a bit of life that the attitudes which my self and I were feeling twords one another are improving...I still haven't figured out quite how, but I am happier all together (it's that warm fuzzy feeling on the inside)

one day at a time

2006-01-23T19:56:00.000-08:00

I didn't see myself for most of the day, I looked under the sink- no self, I looked in the closet -no self. I'm most perplexed as to what to do about my self these days...I finally had some time to spend with my self and she's no where to be found..

under the sink, part two

2006-01-22T19:29:00.000-08:00

After spending about oh we'll just say a lot of time doing school work (and being very full of frustration) I decided to look around and see if I couldn't find my self somewhere about the house. I looked in the obvious spot and sure enough there under the sink was my self. Swollen red eyes and tear stained cheeks. I finally decided that enough was enough and crawled in to see what all the fuss was about. I have to admit if one ignores the damp mustiness it was quite comfortable, though a bit cramped. My self spoke not a word as we sat together contemplating the darkness which surrounded us. Finally I gave in, I'm sorry I mumbled. My self turned and in a sliver of light through the door I saw a smile. I knew that though not all was well, a sort of healing had occurred through silence.

blogging blogs #3

2006-01-22T18:48:00.000-08:00

It seems that I have a problem finding blogs that are not diaries or journals of sorts, that is unless they are in a foreign language. This is ok by me though as I am fairly interested in knowing that the world is not out to get just me.

What drew me to this site was the name Practical Lunacy, I couldn't turn away. Upon further discovery I found a pleasant blog on the mayhem and mishaps of one K. Not a daily notebook, but a journal of the highs and lows of her life.

One post I found particularly interesting was on the mishaps of her sewer and all of the problems and road blocks that came with it. I ended up feeling quite sorry for her with all of the problems and the lack of help that she encountered over a year until it was fixed. (sort of)

Another post that intrigued me was one on her animal magnetism, which I also suffer from. K explains that animals love her, even the ones that usually run and hide when a guest enters the house. She ponders the possibility of a pheromone that draws them to her, even the fish in their tank seem to follow her.

K did post a rather interesting article about something called vata dosha. I'm still not sure I completely understand it. There were also photos attached to many of her posts which seemed to let me into a bigger corner of who she is.

There really wasn't a whole lot else on her blog. A few links to other blogs that did prove interesting, but even her profile was skeletal at best.

blogging blogs #2

2006-01-22T18:12:00.000-08:00

This blog had me at hello. What shocked me was the lack of anything on the first page but a list of photos. I would have to say that this notebook is a photographic journal that chronicals the bloggers adventures on not only a daily level but also the trips that she takes. This type of blog is not full of written words, but the photos speak volumes to the bloggers.

I looked at the photos for a long time clicking down the page, but it only took me two different pictures to realize that when the photos popped up they were in their own window that allowed me access to her personal information, links and a neat little calander on top that if you clicked on the dates took you immediatley to the picture(s) of that day.

Upon clicking on the small photo it opened to a larger version of the picture along with (usually) a short description of the person, place or thing in it. She also has a place where you can click and leave comments of the pictures. Some of the most interseting of these pictures were of my much beloved city of London and Foodography (pictures of food)

Under contact I was pleased to find links to eight different photo journal sites of places she's visited (Paris, Portland), her home (London) and a link to what seemed to be her studio web log. Under the participate catagory she includes links to different group photography sites and to a place called allthingsgirl.com.

In the contribute list I was pleased to see links to different photo magazines and articles. Included in these were 28mm, a magazine and the way we see it, an interesting site devoted to the photography world as viewed by a lot of different people.

I did discover on one of my last looks through that you are able to purchase the pictures that you see. I found this easy and convienent (no I didn't buy one but I wanted to see how easy it would be). All in all I really enjoyed my time on this site.

blogging blogs #1

2006-01-22T17:43:00.000-08:00

I didn't really know where to start with this assignment, so I just started clicking. The first blog I found drew me because of the fantastic photo collage at the top of the page. Rachel created a filter that posts her daily adventures through life. Well the posts were fun and interesting, I didn't find them to be something that I would want to follow day after day. Mostly she chronicalled the events of her day including her clubbing adventures and the happenings of class. I did enjoy elements within her posts such as her poetry and music lyrics to various songs.

I liked how her blog seemed to be set up around her friends as there were personal links on the right side of the page. The links themselves were names and tended to follow to a message or note to the person whose name it was.

Rachel's links on the left side of her blog were possibly the best part. They took me to all sorts of interesting locations one of which was centered around puzzles, one of my favorite things to kill time. She also included links to such places as magazine subscriptions and even a dating service.

I found something at the bottom of Rachel's blog that peaked my interest. She has installed a music player. Though I am not sure if this is just for her use or the use of all her visitors as I could not manage to get the device to work. (this may well be my error as I have discovered I am not adept with technological things)

I found Rachel's blog to be an interesting stop in my adventure, but not somewhere that I am likely to travel to in the future.

reflection

2006-01-21T18:22:00.000-08:00

I woke up today in and my rush to get out the door I failed to notice my self curled up with my dog on the couch...when I got home my self was not to be seen. I decided not to let my self get the better of me...yes I do need create time for my self, but life is so busy and what right does she have to demand more of what time I already seem to have lost (yes there's a pattern to this lost thing) A while later I walked out to the living room and there sat my self just staring at me with those puppy dog eyes of hers and with her bottom lip hanging dangerously low...What could I do? What should I do? the answer seemed quite clear, but yet so hard. I left my self there...and when I returned she was gone...somehow I fear forever...then again I doubt it. Who could leave such a beautiful sink?

and the beat goes on

2006-01-20T20:17:00.000-08:00

I sit here at work, knowing that somewhere out there I am causing havok, chaos and mayhem. I saw myself for a moment when I returned home from school and knew that it was going to be a long rough evening. My self was...well lets just say not in the best of states and apparently fabulously entertained by something which I could neither hear nor see. I realized as I looked at my self that possibly she is an outlet for all of the things that I no longer allow me to do...then again I could just be going crazy

strange bedfellows

2006-01-20T08:19:00.000-08:00

So has anyone else heard about this phenominon of a snake and a hamster being friends? I found it quite interesting as I once owned a boa who did the same thing but with a rat...well for about a year anyway then drette' ate the rat

unhappy me

2006-01-20T07:48:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning and found myself sitting on the edge of my bed waiting for me. I had barley gotten my eyes open when I informed myself under no uncertain terms that I was angry at myself because I have not really been able to get out of the house and enjoy the outdoors. I tried to explain to myself that between school and work it was hard to find the time to take a moment for me. My self gave me a dirty look, blew rasberries at me and stalked from the room....I'm not sure but at times I am convinced that there is a three year old living with me...and its me

a little discovery

2006-01-19T07:49:00.000-08:00

It took me awhile, but this morning I found myself curled up on the bottom of my closet. (apparently I like the dark) I had no clue why I was there, but I vowed to figure out why...so I asked myself. My reply wasn't what I wanted to hear, but I have adjusted to the fact that part of me is not comfortable being out where everyone can see me. After some coaxing I did manage to get myself into the living room, but alas once again I have disappeared. (I seek comfort in the fact that I didn't see me leave the house so I have to be here somewhere)

not sure about my shape

2006-01-18T14:48:00.000-08:00

after having discovered myself I did manage to get myself out from under the sink. (mind you it was tough as I was jammed in between two pipes) There was a lot of pulling and prodding but I finally managed to unwedge myself. I don't think I was particualrilly happy about this as I seem to have become quite comfortable in my own little world. The worst part is after having gone to school I returned home only to find myself missing again (I think I have issues)

to complex?

2006-01-18T14:45:00.000-08:00

I really hope that Blood did not intend her book for readers of all ages...either that or it would have been nice to have a dictionary in some spots. I'm not saying I had problems with the vocabulary, but I did notice that some of her language might be much for a young adult who doesn't have as extensive a vocabulary as some of us

under the sink

2006-01-18T08:02:00.000-08:00

So i was in the bathroom this morning getting ready and upon looking I found myself under the sink...as I do not remember putting myself in this spot it was quite purplexing but alas at least I know where i am

it didn't get much better

2006-01-17T20:32:00.000-08:00

I'd like to say that somewhere within this day I found myself but I've looked everywhere and I just can't seem to find me. It would be nice if someone happens to find me that they would direct me back to myself...I miss me.

lost

2006-01-17T08:34:00.000-08:00

alas its only 1030 and already I am lost - this for some reason does not suprise me.

Tainted?

2006-01-15T06:18:00.000-08:00

So I sat pondering the events of the past day...A class with a topic on censorship...What a topic...So many sides, so many different views...So much passion that comes spilling out of the people around me. Its good. I wonder though if my view of the world is tainted. Everyday I am exposed to a different side of our children than most people see or even want to comprehend. Most parents by the way (and understandably so) believe that their children are innocent and incapable of doing the things of which they are accused. (some are...most aren't... innocent that is) I understand what it's like to be a teenager and test your limits, but when do we as adults as a society draw the line and say enough? When are you old enough to know that killing, raping assaulting or stealing what someone else has worked hard to earn is wrong? So what does all this have to do with censorship? Well...as I realize that these children are not all children what I don't seem to understand is this: we shelter our children more and more. Keeping them safe from the evils outside of our home and the evils that we at least believe are evil, but is sheltering them what is truley best for them? Keep in mind I am talking about young adults..not children. Teenagers are not blinde, hard of hearing or stupid, they are smart individuals striving to make a mark on this world, an impression on their peers. Isn't the best way to arm our children for the horrors of the world the awaits them (I'm not saying it's all bad) is to educate them about the way that other people live and what other people think they must do in order to survive? Or do we let them go blindly into the night? I don't have the answers, but I do seem to have the questions. Oh and for those out there who are still good samaritans...be careful it's gang initiation time in the world around us (it is coming to an end, but then again it never ends) if someone comes up behind you in their car and flashes their lights (like the urban legend) if your going to stop know that your life is in your hands as some of the gangs around our area use it as a tactic to get you to stop so they can kill you (it happens more than you think and yes in my backyard.) be safe..

2006-01-14T16:59:00.000-08:00

what to say?

one day at a time

2006-01-13T08:25:00.000-08:00

merry meet and merry part - may this day be brighter than the superstitions that surround it